Minsan gusto ko nalang mawala, yung total disappearance from everyone’s memories. Yung para bang di ako nag exist. Ilang luha pa ba bago ako maanod mula sa mga alaala nyo? Aalis, lilipat, tatangayin. Anywhere but here, mga kapatid.
“…Do not by any means destroy yourself, for if you live you may yet have good fortune. But, all the dead are dead alike.” -CS Lewis
I just finished sending a personal project I did to cheer up a friend who said that she’s worried that her depression will kick in while she’s at her favorite boy group’s concert. I want to cheer her up and let her enjoy the event because I hate to think that she’ll be robbed of her chance because of that horrible illness.
I love doing simple artsy projects for friends and I love it when they appreciate things.
But I still feel so so so sad.
I was reading a reddit comment of a suicidal guy who managed to get out of the hell hole and turn his life around. He posted this quote from C.S. Lewis: “…Do not by any means destroy yourself, for if you live you may yet have good fortune. But, all the dead are dead alike.” and I just cried and cried for a good 15 minutes. It was weird, I was okay at first but reading that line made my heart feel so hollow beyond words. I’ve yet to consult if I have any mental illness because seriously, this horrible deadness is eating me alive and making me miserable.
I’m actually hesitant to visit a doctor because I feel so “privileged” to be sick. I have normal and loving family, a considerable amount of good friends, an awesome boyfriend, but something’s still bothering me for the longest time.
Oh well, I don’t wanna rant here about this issue, so yeah~
New Year is still 3 days away but I doubt there’ll be anything super great the next few days that will make me change my perspective from what it is right now. 2015 has been a roller coaster of emotions and year of realizations. I don’t feel any wiser after being almost through with this year, just sadder and more sensitive. I’ve learned a lot of lessons and picked up so many little things that connected the dots and explained bigger mysteries in my personality and life in general.
I tried to scan my Facebook since most of life happenings are recorded there and it’s not really hard to notice that I don’t have much social life. I’m not the type to get invited to board games hang out because I suck at such things, I am not interested in parties because I don’t have 1.) money, 2.) interest in drinking, and 3.) a car or any available transpo 24/7 which is important to include because most parties happen in places far from civilization and public transportation, and I don’t usually get invited in small friend gatherings because I always seem to be that friend who’s one point short in making to your to-be-invited list.
Or maybe I’m just being ungrateful and am basing my interaction on what is posted online.
Anyway, I’ll stop sulking and focus on happy events and walkthroughs in my brain. I will part with you with a happy heart, 2015! (I’m already claiming it so please, don’t make anything bad happen in the last 3 days of the year)
- It’s been a relatively rough road for me when it comes to relationships because of unmet expectations, compromises, and insecurities. I’ve been dealing with this particular insecurity for almost 2 years now, and right now I don’t already know if this is pure insecurity or if it has transcended into curiosity and become a part of my life. I’m trying to get it out of my system because it is sucking all the happiness in me so hopefully the new year will bring me an inflatable pool filled with gelatin because I would love to tackle and take down all the negativity in a wrestling match in a Jello pool.
- 2015 is a year of local comics and books! One of my electives focused on young adult literature and the discussion on comics piqued my interest so I started attending local comic conventions in the city. Every KOMIKON and KOMIKET has been a great experience so far since I discover tons of new artists and get a chance to explore new avenues of expressing literature. Also, it’s cheaper than regular books so I get to hoard more and fool myself that I am actually buying more stuff when in fact each local comics just usually clock at 10-25 pages.
- Reunions are the bomb! It’s really fun being in the company of those who knew us when we were still in the gross angsty and emo phases of our lives. I got to spend one afternoon with my high school classmates, just catching up and gossiping about other schoolmates, because reunions are the central base of juicy rumors. I’m really happy that we already talk about /slightly/ mature stuff like relationships and commitments and whatnot. If I were to describe our class when we were in high school, our boys would be a bunch of toddlers in over-sized polo shirts and khaki pants playing with their YuGiOh! cards and making pacts among them to swear off girls and treat us like walking slobs of cooties. The girls would be a mixture of walking trees, 12-year old emos who pretend that black rubber bracelets are cool, and noisy turkeys.
- Yes for reconciliations and new friendships. My guilt list is now cleared because I made up with someone I got into an argument with 3 years ago haha! Yay for buddies, old and new.
- There are tons of life realizations that I would like to put here but just like everyone who has not yet learned the lesson of not relying to memory, these thoughts came to me during the most random of times and I trusted myself that I would recall it after sometime and haha… I didn’t and don’t.
I sure don’t have a well-documented 2015 and it totally sucks because yes, I am a 20 year old gal who still has not moved on from relying on social media to gauge how much I have enjoyed the past years of my life. The following year will be a big one given that it might be the first Christmas that I won’t be receiving any money from my relatives since it is expected that I have already a job by the end of the year. But let’s see, fam. I can always surprise and am weak enough to be a dead weight for another year. Kidding.